The Post Office

I miss my dad. Sometimes that hits me like a slap in the face. I should have seen it coming today. I probably should have braced myself for it, like the way you brace yourself for the wave to hit you when your in the ocean. For some reason, it just didn't dawn on me. Dumb huh? Today Jack and I went on a tour of our local Santa Maria post office. I was with friends and the baby and we were learning all about stamps and mailing letters and then the tour lead us behind the scenes. And WHAM! Instantly I felt the stinging behind my eyes. The first thing I saw was a letter carriers area, the place where they case the mail. It looked just like my dads.

I had not been in the back of a post office since a Dec 23, 1999, about a month after my dad died. My mom and I took a cake and cards to thank the post office for supporting our family when my dad died. I was really surprised by how sad I felt by just being a post office today. I miss my dad. I miss seeing him. I miss talking to him. I miss looking at his face. Man, he would have loved my kids. He would have loved Adam. I don't know if he would have been proud of me or not, I am such a screw up sometimes, but I know he would have adored my family. Being in that post office today, took me back to being a kid. Walking around his post office in Alhambra, seeing where he cased his mail, where the trucks loaded the carts. I saw letter carriers with pictures of their families taped up on their cubby walls, and I remembered how my dad used to have my picture pasted up on his.

Why did he have to die? Why so young? Why so suddenly? Did he know how much I loved him? I miss my dad. I don't think that I can express it any better than that.

Well, what more can I say. Even with this headache I have now, you know the kind you get when you have been crying and after the tears dry up, your head just throbs? Even with the headache, I am so grateful that I went to this outing today. I was proud to kneel next to Jack and say, "Your papa was a letter carrier, he helped people everyday". I am also thankful, that I got to reconnect with my dad and feel his presence and remember the memories that I had forgotten. Even if it was just for a half hour tour. I love you Dad, and I miss you.