Dad

Sydney and Jack,

So, I have been hemming and hawing thinking about what I was going to say when I wrote this post today. I am actually 2 days late now in writing this post. That's how long I have been pondering what it is I want to tell you, Jack and Sydney, about your Papa, my dad.

You see, it was 10 years ago Tuesday, November 24th, that your Papa died. He died suddenly. And just writing those words makes me cry. Sitting here, right now, my eyes are welled up with tears. And my lips are pursed together, trying feebly to hold back the tears. You see kids, I wasn't prepared for my dad to die. But he did, one a Tuesday morning, on the way to the post office. And in that moment, I was changed forever.

So, for the last two days, I have been trying to think of what I could type in this blog to you, what I could say that would sum up how I feel about all the time that has passed since my dad went to heaven, and about how much he would have loved each of you. How he already anticipated loving you. And I have come to the realization tonight, that I can't put it all into words. I can't put it all in one post. Its like its all inside me, but a decade ago, to get thru the shock and sadness of losing him so young and to help your Nana, I just put all the feelings away, in a little place deep inside me. And it hurts so much to pull them out.

So tonight, I will just leave you with some pictures. And memories that I have.

Just know, Sydney that your Papa loved you. He saw you before you were born. He saw you in that ultrasound picture, and he loved you. And Jack, man, I bet my life that he is just so in love with you. He watches each of you from above and I know he is so proud of you. I just know it....

This picture was taken of my dad at the Alhambra Post Office, sometime in 1999. The 12 in the corner is the day, not the month. This is one of the rare photos of Papa's true smile. Handsome isn't he?

This picture is the day we let Dad go. Mom, Dad and I had planned to drive up to see Jim, Dani and Sadie for Thanksgiving and to celebrate Sadie's 4th birthday. Dad had his cerebral hemorrhage on Tuesday, November 23rd, but we didn't take him off life support until Wed, Novemeber 24th because we were trying to wait for family to arrive from out of state. That night, when we got home, we decided to go ahead and have cake for Sadie, who didn't understand that her Papa had died. As we sat around talking about Dad and telling funny memories to Sadie, we took this picture. Take a look at my crinkled eyes. And Uncle Jimi's. They are the same as Papas.

I like this picture because of that. The way we all look the same.

Jack and Sydney, you guys have those crinkled eyes too. Oh! And the famous eyebrows.

See kiddos, Papa lives on. Through your crinkled eyes and your full eyebrows and so much more.