Seek harder

So I have been thinking about my dad a lot recently. Maybe its because I have been fighting with my lungs so much this month and I have been slowed down. Home bound. Being sick and fighting for air had made me breathe in and out consciously. More so then I can ever remember doing before. And all the calming physically has made space in my life for calming emotionally too. The Lords work, I think.
So, as I have been here with my son everyday, just him and me, I have really been noticing all the sweet things he does and how he is growing everyday. I saw Jack with new eyes these past few weeks. Because I have cancelled out of some much, I have gained so much. No running around to errands and appts. I haven't even put gas in my car in 3 weeks! Instead, I have noticed that my boy loves to see his shadow. That he faithfully reads the Very Hungry Caterpillar all by his self everyday. That he is tender to his stuffed animals and that if you just smile at him, he will run to you and hug you with a warm soft hug that makes your knees melt.
My sweet boy.

And I was thinking. Did my Dad ever have these moments with me? What I mean is, was there ever space in his life just to drink in being with his kids? I know he worked two jobs providing for our family when I was young. That he traveled 3 hours round trip to work everyday to keep us in affluent Claremont so we could not grow up by gangs and crime. I know he served his country, even in the Reserves even when he had his own family, to protect us and everyone else. He was busy. And tired. I would have been too.

So I have been saying a daily prayer to God, for insight into my dad and clarity into his love for me. And I realized all his hard work was his love for me. It was how he showed his love. And then I remembered. He did have times he showed his love. He gave me my first dozen roses when I had a minor surgery on my toe when I was 12. He said he wanted to be the first man ever to give me flowers. And I remembered the tape. And I found it. The audio cassette of me and my brother reading a book with him. And I could hear him. His voice. His love and joy with being with his children. I found it and I remembered.

I am thanking God for my Asthma today. Hard and discouraging as it is right now, it made space in my life to slow down and enjoy my son more this month. And I made space in my life to think and pray about my Dad and who he was and gain insight into all that he was.
God is good.