Struggling

Ok...
So today I struggled. Well, I guess I should be honest. I have been struggling for days.
This surgery is a bit much to handle.
I was talking with Adam tonight and crying and trying to get a grip on how I feel and I think I can express it a little clearly now...

I thought the hardest part of the this third surgery would be the surgery itself. The preparations, the saying goodbye to the kids, the kiss goodbye to Adam on the way into the O.R., the recovery room and discharge/drive home from UCLA. I never thought the hardest part of this ordeal would be now.

NOW?

I am two weeks and two days out from surgery. Am I not supposed to be feeling better? I mean I do have peeks of clarity. Moments where I feel like me again. But all in all, I am lost. I am in a dark tunnel and I so can not see the light. When will this pain end?

Since Wed when Dr. Sales banded me back together, I have been in pain. These bands are pulling on my jaws. My broken jaws. And unlike a broken bone you can set, this upper jaw keeps moving. Every breath, Every swallow, every smile at the baby, every time I yawn or cry, these broken jaws move and buckle in the pain of it all.

Seriously, I don't want to be a downer. I have been trying to keep my spirits up, and not give into the depression I feel loading me down, but geez, this has got to be one of the hardest things I have gone through. The pain I am feeling in my face is relentless. Its like childbirth that has been going on for 16 days.

The other thing I had not counted on is how much my pain would impact the family. Adam and I are struggling. Syd is courageous but I can see a difference in her. I can't kiss the baby. It seriously is like walking in the eye of a storm. Like climbing up a mountain. I just keep feeling like I am slipping on loose gravel.

Am I ever going to get to the top of this mountain of pain? Will I ever start the downward climb to feeling better?

I think that is the worst part. I am slipping on the loose gravel of this mountain, and I can't see the top! I wish I could see the end of this pain in sight! I wish I could see the top of this mountain!

There have been bright spots, and for those I thank God. My church has been wonderful. Folks have helped take care of the kids and get Sydney from point A to point B. Fantastic meals have been delivered from my friends at church and from my Moms Club. And the Get Well Cards have been lifesaving. What a blessing to my family to have such a support system.

So anyway. I thought I would stop for a moment and be real. I am tired of drinking my meds with a syringe. I am tired of heat packs. I am tired of crying. But I know I will get through this. I have to right? 8 to 10 more weeks. It isn't forever, right? Ugh.

Anyway...thanks for letting me vent. Tomorrow will be better.