Forgiveness

Three days ago I rec'd something that I didn't know I was waiting for.

An apology.

12 years ago an engagement was called off. Suddenly. His poor choices. My poor reactions. And I was devastated.

That was a long time ago...lifetimes ago, it feels like now. And I have made peace with my past years ago. Offering up my apologies for my role in the situation, my stupidity during my youth and young adulthood. A romance ended but a friendship saved over a meal a decade ago. And I am so glad to call him my friend today.

But three days ago, I was floored when the words were finally said...Errr written.

"I am sorry"


How can three little words stop me dead in my tracks? I have been pondering that for sometime now...

And then this morning, something hit me...
"Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors." Matthew 6:12 NIV
The words I say in the Lords Prayer. The words I never really give much thought too...Until now.

Forgiveness. What is it? What does it mean to truly give it and truly receive it?

10 years ago my dad died. Two weeks before he died he stopped speaking to me. Something happened and he was mad. Disappointed. He no longer had anything to say to me and on a Thursday, November 11, Veteran's day 1999 he stopped talking. He refused to talk to me for 10 days. I got nothing but silence. Nothing but a look of disappointment.

Then on Sunday November 21st, forgiveness. In his own way. Not one word uttered.

No "I am sorry's." No "I forgive you's. " From either of us.

Just a complete ignoring of what happened between us. Business as usual.

Then Tuesday morning he was dead.

That haunts me to this day. Did he know how sorry I was for hurting him? Did he truly forgive me before he died? How did he know I was sorry if I never said the words? Do the words matter? Does acknowledging the mistakes you made really make a difference to the person you wronged? Can you truly forgive someone if you never hear the "I'm sorry's?"

Forgiveness. Giving it. Receiving it. So much more than I ever thought of.

Right now I have a little girl in her room, having some quiet time, a time out of sorts. She was caught in a lie. Not a big one, but a poor choice and one that needs a consequence. I already forgive her. I am not mad. But in a few moments I will go into her room and have a talk with her about honesty and integrity and I will wait for her apology. It's what we teach our children. When you do something wrong you apologize. Say your sorry. Make amends. It teaches accountability.

But today I think I learned it does more than that. When you say you are sorry, it lets the other person learn how to forgive. And it heals something within the person you hurt. I think that when we ask for and give forgiveness, we, for a moment, are walking in stride with God.

Those three words I read a few days ago, finally healed something that was still untouched from years ago. I didn't know I still had a wound there. But when I read those words, from my ex fiance' I teared up. I gave forgiveness long ago, but closure to the wound happened now.

So now the big questions to myself that still remain unanswered...

Who am I owing an apology to? What else in my life do I need to forgive? Who do I need to ask forgiveness of?

Thinking back today, I realized how lucky I am to have this experience. Then and now. I was able to ask for forgiveness from this friend and give the forgiveness too. With words! It took 12 years. But something is restored and complete now. It's done. Closure to that chapter of my life.

I regret everyday that my dad died without hearing the words "I'm sorry" from me. I think he forgave me, but I know he died without closure for what happened. He died with an open wound.