The Scary C word

So, I think I'll start this post by saying I miss my old life. My life that was just a few weeks ago, where I was stressing about my car and the Thanksgiving Dinner and getting it all done.
I want that back.
Because now I am worried about life and death and cancer and
I hate it.
I know this place, this place where everything changes, and you know. You know you can't get it back. That place where you can clearly see that it was all simple. And that you were making it harder than it needed to be, and that it was perfect and gift and you didn't really love every minute of it, and now it may be gone again. For a long time.
And it hurts.
I remember this place when my Dad died. It came on as a flash and nothing was the same. Ever.
And its happened again.

Last Monday my mom went to the doctor because she had been bleeding. In her bottom. And the news came back as bad. The doctor felt a mass. A large one. And he said it was serious. The way he said it, my Mom knew. And she zoomed over to my house. And she cried and cried. And I couldn't. Because its my job to be there for her. But later, I bawled my eyes out in my car. Because I love her so. And I am scared.

Wed we went for a colonoscopy. And they found and removed lots of polyps. That is good. And the mass was biopsied. And as I held my Moms hand we were told that the mass is in a delicate place. And removal could be difficult without damaging other parts of her. Words like malignant and colostomy are being batted around. And its hard to think about.

So we are waiting. For results. For a plan of action. The doctor called today to move the results appointment up from this Friday to Wednesday afternoon. Is that good? Is that bad? I think I need to purchase more tissue tomorrow. And Tylenol.

I feel myself regretting that I took yesterday for granted. I feel myself yearning for last month when we celebrated her birthday and everything was all right. I feel myself strengthend by God. I feel myself loved by my husband, and forgiven when I drop the ball these days. I feel that familiar feeling of steeling up inside. That feeling of my spine straightening to meet this thing head on and walk step by step with my Mom into whatever lies ahead. I feel myself grieving that my daughter is worried, clouded by her concern for her Nana. I feel myself afraid and strong at the same time.

But its not about me. Its about her. And I don't know how to help her.

My world has tipped. December went from Christmas parties and birthdays to doctor appts and surgeries. I am trying to find a balance, but I am struggling. Finding a way to have Christmas spirit, excitement and joy for the kids is hard right now.

We'll know more on Wed. Make a battle plan and fight. Figure it out and trust God. We "can do all things through Christ who strengthens" us. -Philippians 4:13. One step at a time.